My brain is bent. Exactly a year ago tomorrow I made a livejournal post about emptying out. I remember as I prepared for my trip to Europe, and as I prepared to receive a large sum of money I was starting to self destruct. But I really felt like I should... for some reason. I didn't know the reason and I didn't push to know. I trusted my instincts ( Read more... )

Apparently the house I grew up in was demolished by the fires in Montecito. It's Thanksgiving tomorrow and I feel so lost. I've done badly this year. There's not much point in regretting it. It was easy to be numb for so long. It only got easier. Now everything is hard. And cold. Not much point in pity. If I don't start setting goals to get my life ( Read more... )

start to cry, stop yourself. i wish i hadn't that power.. wish being was less uphill. wish i could ride on a radio transmission forever, with the satellites and angora strain guitar chords. i was. if these things make your heart burst, i feel it. feel mine. deeper dear, inside myself than i can stand. rise from miles under myself, into myself. into ( Read more... )

God... I wish I wrote more. I need to. I feel very sick at the moment. My hair is filthy and I look awful. It's almost Xmas... the stress is subtle and autumnal. The sadness is seeping. I am sitting at work, at my desk, and I can't imagine being anywhere else. That scares me. I really can't think of what to write, so hopefully I will be able to ( Read more... )

People say "People change" but people have no idea how much people change until they themselves have changed. One day they find themselves crying in aggrivation over missing 5 points on a quiz that won't even get close to bringing their A in the class down. They find themselves kept awake at night by thoughts of living room colour schemes. What ( Read more... )

I have learned that pessimism is best kept safe in a little box, locked away from most peeping eyes; however, safe to take out when I am alone, cuddle up to it and say goodnight ( Read more... )

I went bowling last night with everyone I could possibly get to join. I drank copious amounts of alcohol and spent money that I don't really have. I rambled strange things to strangers and showed people pictures of times before. I was inebriated. It was a lot of fun. I passed out around sunrise and I vomited around noon today and went back to sleep ( Read more... )

i am falling. i can feel it. sadness is all around me. simpler things seem a lot harder. harder things seem normal. saying words to my mother, grasping her, trying to help her, who knows if she is even the one who needs help, crying, crying in vons because of phil collins. not just crying, breaking down. losing it. feeling everyone’s eyes on me. ( Read more... )

Good morning. And now, before sleep I will slip into something. So I will snippit away this morning that is no longer memorial. At the moment, I am so awfully somewhere else. How will I return to work tomorrow without exploding to dust? I have truly become the dullard ( Read more... )

Live Journal blorbal. Wow... there is an autosave featre now! That's pretty neat. I have two interviews on Monday, and then an appointment with my doctor. It will be crazy. Today we are supposed to get together with everyone and play Risk and drink mead. I went to sleep kinda early last night so Papa John and Sarah are still asleep. I feel pretty ( Read more... )